25 Signs That You're All Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.__________________________________________________

WASHINGTON POST  runs a column each summer listing
interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
1. I CHILD PROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.
3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.
6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.
7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.
8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM.
9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?
10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM
YOUR CAR.
12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.
13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.
14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
15. KEEP STARING.... I MAY DO A TRICK.
16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.
17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MED ICATED.
18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.
19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH OUT
WITH CHOCOLATE.
20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.
21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO
TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.
22. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH

********

Children and God

WONDER WHY?

Every night, before he went to bed, little David was told Bible
stories.

One night, while he was in the bathtub, he kept putting his hand in the
water and then bringing it out, and studying it.

Finally, with a puzzled look, he asked, "Mommy, if we are made out of
dirt, why don't we turn to mud when we get wet?"


LISTENING FOR JESUS

A mother and her 3 year old daughter were riding in a car when,
suddenly, the little girl put her head on her mother's chest and began to
listen.

"What are you doing?" mom asked.

"I'm listening for Jesus in your heart," was the reply.

"Well, what do you hear?"

The innocent child looked up, with the satisfied look of discovery in
her eyes, and said, "Sounds like he's making coffee to me!"

[Cindy Fishback; Williams, CA]


READY, GOD

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in, off the line, as a
storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved
his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay, God ... let'er go!"

[Giggles&Grins]

MORAL LESSON

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can
wait'".

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[John Traver]


PEOPLE CREATION

During dinner, the subject of how God created people came up.

Karen's husband explained, to their three children, how God created
Adam from the dust of the earth and God created Eve from Adam's rib.

Then, their 7-year-old asked, "What happens when we die?"

Karen's husband continued to explain that, when we die, our bodies turn
back to dust.

After a few seconds of silence, their 4-year-old daughter said, "Yeah,
you guys turn back to dust. But, us girls turn back to ribs."

[Karen Miller]


THE POOL

A mother was watching her four-year-old child playing outside, in a
small plastic pool half filled with water. He was happily walking back
and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, he stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water
out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, Jimmy?" the mother asked.

"'Cause my teacher said Jesus walked on water and this water won't
work," the boy replied.

[Aiken Drum]


HELPING HAND

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night, his mother told him to
go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go
out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled, reassuringly, at her son. "You don't have to be
afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look
after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure
he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere and he is always ready to help you
when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the
back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he
called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"


HOLY TRADITION

Jimmy came home, the other day, and found his little brother sitting on
the steps crying.

He asked what was wrong and his little brother replied, "My cat died
and I don't know what to do."

Jimmy thought, for a moment, and, then, told him, "When someone dies,
you have to have funeral and bury him."

His little brother replied, "But, I don't know how to have a funeral."

"Well," said Jimmy, "you dig a hole to bury your cat, invite a group of
your friends over and say a few holy words over the grave. That's it."

His little brother thought that was a great idea.

Later that afternoon, Jimmy came home and there was a group of his
brother's friends gathered in the back yard, the dead cat was laying on top
of the mound from the grave and his little brother was asking everyone
to have a seat.

Jimmy stood back and watched as his little brother lifted the dead cat
by the tail and held it over the grave. Then, he uttered the only holy
words he found fitting: "In the name of the Father ... the Son ...  
and 'in the hole he goes'!"


[Jeff G.]


AIRPLANE

Teri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane. So, she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Teri
said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"


PASSOVER BAKING

Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church,
Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two
children.

The school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus.

When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted
her mother, "Guess what, Mommy. We made 'unleaded' bread!"

MATH PROBLEMS

Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children
do problems on the blackboard, that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy and, with some help, he
finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem. 
But, there was some suspicion as his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to
him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now, a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson,
finally, gained her composure; in the stunned silence. "Why the
enthusiasm, Johnny?"

"The Bible says to go FORTH and multiply!"


[Colorado Comments]


CHILDREN

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher finished
the day's lesson. It was, now, time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't
figger out."

"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well, accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red
Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of
Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin'
somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So, what's your
question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the
grown-ups doin?"

*****

13 Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?" She hit me. 

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 For Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn that was fun!" 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting Clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky 
Dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
Difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press.
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!! 

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
Cannot be displayed in a federal building? 

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English,
Thank a soldier!!" 

I don't know about you, but I sure got a chuckle out of these,And I'll bet your friends will too!! 
AND
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the End the faster it goes. 

Use things and love people, instead of using people and loving things!

Lighter Side

Home